a letter to the editor.

When our professor from New York arrives in Kathmandu we will be going on a weekend excursion!! Chitwan was the chosen location. But look guys, its occurred to all of us in the program (there are 9) that it just isn't a viable option. Please read the following letter, based entirely on real [footnote 1] events.

Dear Professor,

Chitwan sounds nice. But then again, not really. Please reconsider. Let me tell you why. I spoke with an African man yesterday, this of course was after we consummated our love following several [strong] drinks at the [6 different] bar[s]. We were smoking hash in my bed when I mentioned traveling to Chitwan.

After gasping and slightly regurgitating his Johnnie Walker Black Label, he listed some serious reasons as to why we should reconsider, take heed:

Bullet Point 1: It is 945 degrees in the shade. "Look me lady," sometimes my man spoke in Irish tongues, "you will have pit stains all the way to your waist."

Bullet Point 2: Given its popularity as a tourist destination there appears to be an abundance of t-shirt shops. This is at once horrifying and nerve racking. You think you are leaving the valley, but then are only bombarded by hecklers and jecklers. (His words, not mine.)

Bullet Point 3: There are elephants that will no doubt shit in your hair. (I wasn't sure why, but he seemed adamant on this point, so I did not push further.)

Bullet Point 4: Due to the financial crisis, the lack of foreign aid, and the general negative atmosphere created by the abundance of tourists, the locals have taken to biting outsiders. They claim it to be part of their local, traditional dance "HAFRA BATTU CUMLIGHTLY" but, these savages (again, his words not mine) are lying to you. DO NOT tip them, even if you enjoy nibbles to the ankles.

Bullet Point 5: The dogs are not fed, in fact, have not been fed for several years. They are skinny and very ugly. A sight for sore eyes. Additionally, though in no way connected, every fan in every restaurant is awkwardly positioned to blow air at your genitals. (This he said, happened to be a positive, but he thought I should be forewarned.)

Bullet Point 6: Given the recent tumult regarding headscarves in France, many Chitwanians feel obliged to wear Sarkozy masks with ill fitting hijaabs. This makes for uncomfortable silences and awkward street walking.

He then went on to suggest (while caressing my melons) that Pokhara, home to peace and tranquility, would be a viable option. He nestled in my neck, high from the hash, and said: "SHIVER ME TIMBERS." My heart skipped a beat, he had me at "shiver."

So, I mean, those are some pretty solid reasons, in my opinion. But I could be biased, blinded by love.

Sincerely,

Whitney (last name blocked for security concerns)
Concerned Traveler

footnote 1: If by real, I mean completely fraudulent.