as the president of the student group: association for international development in my master's degree program in international affairs i have nominated myself been assigned the task to welcome everyone to the big fucking concert conference we are having on Saturday. i would define "big fucking" as 5 hours, 4 moderators, 6 student speakers. on second thought, maybe it's just a "medium fucking" conference.
ANYWAY. Find below my speech. Your suggestions are not at all welcomed nor encouraged.
Marches up to the podium to:
Thank you! Please settle down! I love you too! [waves and smiles.] SERIOUSLY, SHUT UP. Lindsay, please stop crying. Thank you!
BIENVENUE, fuckers! [makes sweeping motion with both arms.]
I'd like to thank my esteemed comrades for all of their help organizing this conference. I don't know what the fuck any of the presentations are about because I was too busy worrying about buying cookies and making sure we had coffee. Probably, more than likely, the presentations will be worse than watching dead grass die, but you will thank ME for my dedication to the food situation. Additionally, it has come to my attention that some of the moderators are intelligent and have insightful views on development issues- but NONE of them has asked for my number. Not even that one who clearly hasn't been laid in at least a decade. Pfft, like I care.
While I appreciate your attendance to hear about fucking health [air quotes] or some shit, really all I care about is that I feel popular. I think, by showing your face, I have won your approval; but then again, in the end I don't fucking care that you came because did you notice my blazer? I'm wearing a BLAZER. And my hair looks sweeeeeeet! Did you see how I parted it a little deeper? It looks sexy; sexier than his! [points to random audience member; laughs in a mocking tone.] But in all seriousness, I look good.
Right. I reserve the right to ask you to leave if your speech bores me, please, nothing boring. OH! And! I will be available to autograph the chest, wenis, or arm of the first 4 people who approach me. That said, and with no further ado, please put your motherfucking hands together and HOLLLLLLA! Let's get this shit STARRRRTED! Come on ride the development train, bitches!
Walks out to this song and in this fashion:
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