i hate you.

Dear Some Fucking Fuck Piece of Shit Loser Face SonofaBitch WHORE,

I get it. Fine, okay. My bike was sitting there seemingly unused for months. And yes, someone had stolen the seat and rammed into the back tire and STOLEN my vintage cup holders (which may or may not have been left to me by my great great grandfather). BUT, that does NOT mean you can just steal it. It was still MINE. That means, by definition, not yours.

So, I hope, when you are driving my dear old beautiful hot pink Schwinn from the roaring eighties that you lose your fingers and that a cougar (not a hot older woman, but the animal) bites off your tongue and additionally, I hope that you will never find a nice man or woman to marry.  Actually, I hope, with all my heart that someone murders your face off, but since you are late to work you have to go anyway with no face on and then your boss gets so freaked out that he poops his pants and then fires you to save his own face which doesn't make sense, but he is sucha douche and all the times he is doing things that don't make sense anyway, so actually you aren't that surprised. But then, you're unemployed, toungeless, fingerless, faceless and single: FOREVER.

Anyway, thieves suck so much, they are just the worst people. You are the worst person I have never met and if I see you on my bike I will shove a rod up your butt.

Suck it.

Best,

Whitney

PS: One thing though. If you're a hot man with a beard who likes to ride bikes, maybe we can meet up sometime and laugh about this whole thing. And then we can hold hands and skip. xxoo