article review.

This crazy woman writes some tips on how to be happy or some shit. It's called: I'm a Fucking Happy Fuck. No, it's not, but she's a fuck, I can just tell. Let me share with you five mistakes she makes in her marriage and the subsequent tips to betterment for being a subservient loser piece of shit good wife.

1. My demand for gold stars. Oh, how I crave appreciation and recognition! (My parents didn't love me and I sucked my thumb til.. well, I still do.) I always want that gold star stuck to my homework. (Because I'm an overachieving whore.) But my husband just isn’t very good at handing out gold stars, and that makes me feel angry and unappreciated. (Then I stomp my feet and pull at my fucking pig-tails.)

I figured out a good strategy. I used to tell myself I was doing nice things for him—then I’d be mad when he wasn’t appreciative. Now I tell myself that I’m doing these things because I want to do them. “Wow, the kitchen cabinets look great!” ("Holy fuck! My life is meaningless!) “I’m so organized to have bought all the supplies in advance!” ("And! I didn't even shit myself today!") 

2. Using a snappish tone. I have a very short fuse and become irritable extremely easily (because I'm an uptight loser)—but my husband really doesn’t like it when I snap at him (big surprise) (I'm so fucking clever!!!!!). I’ve done a lot to try to keep my temper in check. I don’t let myself get too hungry or too cold (I fall into these states very easily) (Often I wear a ski parka with cookies in every pocket--JUST IN CASE!); I try to keep our apartment in reasonable order, because a mess makes me crabby; when he tries to make a joke out of my temper, I try to laugh along (or else he'll beat me); I try to control my voice to keep it light and cheery instead of accusatory and impatient (which is very difficult because I'm genetically aggressively passive.) . Confession: I haven’t made much headway here. (big surprise) 

3. Getting angry about a fixed trait. This is very, very tough. One of the things I’ve learned from my happiness project is that you can’t change anyone but yourself (BRILLIANCE), and while there are some things I’d love to change about my husband, those things aren’t going to change (read: his dick is tiny). He isn’t going to get better about answering my e-mails. He is going to keep making rich desserts that tempt me (but he'll always forget to shove them in my parka pockets for when I need them!). Etc. Instead of getting all worked up, as I often do, I’m trying to remind myself of how small his flaws are (told you so), in the scheme of things.

4. Score-keeping. I’m a horrible human being score-keeper, always calculating who has done what. 

First, I remind myself of the phenomenon of being a competitive asshole unconscious overclaiming; i.e., we unconsciously overestimate our contributions or skills relative to other people’s (please see: racism.). This makes sense, because of course we’re far more aware of what we do than what other people do. So now when I find myself thinking, “I’m the only one around here who bothers to …” I remind myself of all the tasks I don’t do (which turns out to be a lot because I've got a hired staff of 15).

Second, I remind myself of the words of my spiritual master, St. Therese of Lisieux (I seriously despise the woman who is writing this at this point: I am ENRAGED.): “When one loves, one does not calculate.” That precept is the basis for my 11th Personal Commandment: No calculation. (Also, I can't do math-- what do you expect?! I'm a woman. Praise the Lord.)

5. Taking my husband for granted. Just as I find it easily to overlook the chores done by my husband (see no. 4), it’s easy for me to forget to appreciate his many virtues and instead focus on his flaws (see no. 3).  I’m trying to stay alert to all the things I love about him (and ignore his ), and let go of my petty annoyances. This is easier said than done. (Also because I'm so busy competing with my children for who is prettier.)

I’ve found that working to keep my resolution to Kiss more, hug more, touch more (I vowed this after I found him masturbating to anime) is an effective way to help me stay in loving, appreciative frame of mind (also, I use a vibrator because his dick is so tiny.).

What are some mistakes you make in your marriage or long-term relationship, besides taking advice from me?  <-- i waited and waited for the ironic music switch. i thought for sure the sidebars would stop. i knew in my heart the italics wouldn't crush me. i was wrong.